Building the Ultimate Man’s Kitchen

One of my favorite of the ’90s prime time sitcoms will always be “Home Improvement.”

In retrospect, this is most likely because it introduced most of the world to Pamela Anderson and Debbie Dunning (more than you can say for even “The Wire”), but it also had some memorable gags, a host of hilarious characters, and some truly standout episodes, including the infamous introduction of the man’s kitchen.

The first in a string of episodes where a common room is redesigned and “man-ified,” the man’s kitchen took the misogynist idea that the kitchen is only for women and presented one that was instead an almost cartoonish playground for the average man.

While absurd, with the gadget explosion that has occurred since, there are now enough devices available to truly craft a man’s kitchen. Some of these accessories are absurd and lavish, while others are common and accessible. But when combined, they create the ultimate real life man’s kitchen.

Grand Palais 180 Stove

Let’s start with the impossible shall we?

Your oven/stovetop is going to be the most important part of any kitchen, and if you really want something that will show off that idea, you need the king of all home ovens. Resembling a train car more than a stove, the Grand Palais wouldn’t be out of place in the home of an old world ruler or even steampunk baron. With its built in gas and electric ovens, as well as a variety of different stovetop grill and burner options, it also happens to work perfectly as the centerpiece of the man’s kitchen.

Sure they run around the $46,000 range depending on enhancements , but dammit we can do this thing cheap, or we can do it right.

Hot Dog Toaster

Of course it’s not all ovens worthy of the 1%, as some parts of the man’s kitchen are just down to earth essentials.

Since nothing is more essential than the need for a hotdog, instead of wasting your time with the stovetop or microwave methods, why not make the perfectly cooked hot dog and bun, as easy as you make a piece of toast? It’s possible with the pop-up hot dog toaster, which cooks hot dogs of your chosen consistency in mere minutes with the ease of the average toaster. It’s even got compartments enough for two hot dogs and buns and the design goes well with that $46,000 oven.

A steal at $19.99, this one even got the Barney Stinson seal of approval.

Crème Brule Torch

It’s the eternal question man has asked since the dawn of the caveman.

How can I use more fire doing this?

In the kitchen, the answer is simple thanks to the standard crème brule torch. Ideally used to brown that famous tricky desert, considering it’s nothing more than a small scale blow torch, feel free to use it to make anything where direct heat is required (like melting cheese over nachos) twice as bad ass, and ten times as manly.

Indoor Pressure Smoker

Without a proper outdoor set up, it’s not easy to make truly good meat, the most essential part of a man’s meal

You can ease the burden though with a good indoor pressure smoker like the one from Hammacher Schlemmer. Designed to impart that smoky flavor you want in your Bar-B-Que, the pressure smoker can hold up to four pounds of food (including sausage, ribs, chicken, and brisket) and cook it faster and better than any of the usual indoor methods. Just add a few wood chips, and you’ve got the perfect indoor BBQ substitute.

Also useful as the standard pressure cooker, this is one of the most versatile, and awesome, gadgets any man can have in their kitchen.

Butterball Deep Fryer

Of course even a pressure cooker can’t do everything, and for the things it can’t do, you need a deep fryer.

Why settle for some little tray device the kid at McDonalds uses when you can have a behemoth designed to soak and cook 14 pound turkeys in delicious oil. Supporting up to around 2 gallons of cooking oil, the Butterball laughs at your idea of modesty and instead challenges you to find something you can’t deep fry in its infinite depths. Surprisingly it’s also designed for efficiency as well as safety, and can be filled with water as well for healthier steaming and boiling options.

Though don’t feel bad if you use it to make enough deep fried Oreos to last you until the next state fair.

Meneghini La Cambusa Refrigerator

You may be wondering why we haven’t talked about the man’s refrigerator yet. Well mostly, I wanted everyone to get over the shock of that $46,000 stove first.

Because while an exact price is tricky, at around $20,000, this Italian import is going to make you reach deep. What you get though is an all wood beauty that would look like a particularly nice cupboard, were it not really an 8 foot long refrigerator with an 88 gallon fridge and pantry space compartment, to go along with its 22 gallon freezer. Much like the Grand Palais, it’s fully customizable and can be decked out with coffee maker, ice machine, steam oven, and more. Regardless of the options, it can still hold cases of your favorite beverages, mounds of food, and enough bottles of white wine to warrant an intervention.

Full size restaurants work off less. Hell for that matter, so does Sweedish royalty

Summit Kegerator

Sometimes even the world’s greatest fridge can’t fulfill all of your beverage needs, and for those instances, you need your own keg.

While there are actually several reasonable kegerator’s out there, for top of the line you want the ones from Summit. Of their available models, I like the built-in double tap unit, not just for it’s design superiority, but also because it allows you to keep your two favorite beers on hand and ready for draft pour perfection. Supporting two 5 gallon or 7.75 gallon kegs (or one 15.5 gallon), and doubling as a mini-fridge, it may just be the greatest gift a man could get, and around football season (or in combination with that smoker and deep fryer), is sure to become a monolith to all other men in the neighborhood.

Breakfast Sandwich Maker

Let’s not forget the importance of a good breakfast in designing your man’s kitchen, since it’s still the most important meal. For those mornings when you’re looking for a full breakfast, but don’t have time to eat it in anything other than sandwich form, you’ll be needing the breakfast sandwich maker from Hamilton Beach.

With its various compartments for your choice of bread, egg, meats, toppings, and cheeses, you simply load what you want into the machine, and in five minutes you have the perfectly cooked breakfast sandwich of your dreams ready to eat. Currently sold out, the breakfast sandwich maker usually runs you a modest $29.99 and takes the phrase “make me a sandwich” not as an insult, but a challenge.

Motor Engine Coffee and Expresso Maker

Of course what’s a breakfast sandwich without a little coffee to go with it? Nothing, that’s what.

Instead of getting it from some dorm room drip pot, or “oh-la-la” French machine, why not let the miracle of motor engine design pull double duty for your coffee dispenser as well. Coming in designs of V10 and V12 to match the number of spouts, little is known about the quality, functions, or even price of the machine. What is known is that it’s an engine that disperses coffee into oil filter mugs, which is really all you need.

There will only be a 500 model limited run of these coffee machines, and the website is down currently due to the interest, but if you’re constructing a true man’s kitchen, you can settle for nothing less.

Overly Manly Dinner Plates

When it’s all said and done you’ll need something to eat all of this food off of, so why settle for some floral plate number, or a generic selection from the Target aisle when you can have a plate worthy of the rest of your kitchen.

Designed after the manliest meme on the internet, these plates serve as a daily reminder of the general principles of manliness, and function as the perfect dish to eat your deep fried turkey breakfast sandwich with a toasted hot dog and cup of engine served coffee on the side.

Hell when you think about it, they may be the only plates that can support the weight of such a meal.

  

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